07 August 2013

A few careless words.

That's all it takes to bring my self-esteem plummeting, to have me feeling worthless again. There was a time when I was a vibrant and confident person. I would never allow another person to dictate my feelings toward myself. But over the past few years I've become so worn down, I've watched everything I have and everything I am erode into a whisper, an echo of what I once was. 

I do keep trying. Giving up doesn't come easily to me. But my resolve is fragile. I don't think anyone is being purposefully cruel, but I don't think that even those people who are closest to me understand the sheer danger that I am in. I'm a hair's breadth away from homelessness, all the time. And homelessness, at my age, will bring with it despair, illness, and let's face it, I will likely not survive it. I would likely not want to. 

So when my problems are treated dismissively, what I hear in my head is: "You are not worth saving". I'm not sure even the most confident people would not be shaken upon hearing that, especially from someone they care about. But me, in my current state of mind, well the words are devastating. 

And speaking of words, when mine are treated dismissively, what I hear is: "Your words are not enough". Well, I know they aren't. But they're all I have to give right now. My words are sincere, if straightforward and simple. I wish I had more than just words. Every damn day of my life, I wish I had more to give.  

I wrote all the above last night, when I was particularly down on myself. I didn't push the publish button because I thought I might feel differently this morning. I thought perhaps I'd wake up with the realization that I do deserve to be hurt, to be made to feel worthless, to have my self-esteem thoughtlessly battered. But I don't. Assaults on my self-esteem are assaults on my well-being. No one deserves that.

I was awakened this morning by a raging toothache. My abscess is probably infected again. 2 Aleve and 3 Advil later, the pain has not lessened. I found myself ashamed by my constant physical complaints. I used to be a very hardy person who rarely became ill; now it seems I'm always sick or in pain.

But of course I am. That's a natural result of malnutrition and a lack of decent healthcare. I'm not going to sit here and be ashamed of my pain, physical or emotional. I do, however, need to get to work, pain or not, because despite what anyone else feels toward me, I do believe I'm worth saving.


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