25 July 2012

So I Seriously Considered Shoplifting Today

... for the first time since, I don't know, I was 13 or something. Shoplifting is for teenagers, kleptomaniacs, and... well, really fucking hungry people. And I was really fucking hungry.

I'd scraped 50 cents out of the bottom of my suitcase to buy a can of catfood, and walked the two miles to the store to buy it. Me, I haven't eaten since Friday. In case you're counting, that's 5 days without food. On my way out I stopped to use the water fountain to hydrate before the 2 mile walk back. Next to the water fountain was a cart full of stale bread, ready for the day-old stand.

I'll admit, I was tempted. But I didn't.

I doubt very seriously it was dignity or morality that kept me from stealing. When you're this hungry, both those things kinda lapse. I just knew that if I got arrested, the cats would have no one. They wouldn't even have that can of catfood I'd just bought.

I think this one may be a record for me, 5 days without food. It gets surreal after a while. My dreams are crazy weird, and my fantasies are all about food. I can imagine food in enormous detail - the taste, the texture, the crunch, the moisture, the resistance against my teeth. I sit and imagine eating all kinds of different things. Chinese food and fried fish are my favorite fantasies.

I feel a bit high. Its not a particularly good high, but it's a high nonetheless. I get disoriented. I have dizzy spells.

I found an ancient mint yesterday. The last time I found an ate an ancient mint, it didn't go well for me. But good judgement drains away into the black hole of hunger, and I ate it. I also eat salt, which yeah, I know it's bad for me. I also dislike the taste of salt. But you reach a point where you just want a flavor in your mouth. Any flavor. So I eat salt until my tongue swells.

I'm praying I get to eat tomorrow. I'm excited by the thought, even though if I do get paid, i won't be able to afford much more than rice or shells and cheese. Still, shells and cheese tastes sooo good when you're starving.


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